exhibitionism (is) for dummies

Considering how the majority of my posts are just reposting the crap people say on myspace, I guess the 'voice waiting to be heard' is not mine.

And getting astonished by it is like getting blown away by the low nutritional value of fairy bread, but if there needed anything to further cement the idea that aliens have chosen not to invade earth only because they think humans look so annoying to be around.

The last one, I hit delete and missed his name, but his 'catch phrase' was "what u lookin at?"

Not you if I can help it dude.

But I still did. Moustache. 40's. Chubby. A logo of Harley Davidson as his page decoration.
His hobby is photography and provided I am over 18 he wants to be mates, leading me to believe not only did our lad not have it going on, but he was going to get it all off and send pictures of whatever it is to strangers.

This kind of thing almost makes me nostalgic for the park flasher, who seems comparatively a small town innocent.

But actually not. Flashers also give me a fright. Luckily I haven't seen one in ages. If there is any award for "classiest response to a flasher" I give it to Janey Mac in Melbourne. Walking home alone one night a man jumped out from behind a tree and said "Hi! " She said at first she didnt notice he was naked, and said "hi". It kind of threw him and in attempt to swing things back on track he said "Umm... I have lost all my clothes" and she said "Sorry, I haven't seen them" and he said "I am sorry, I am so sorry" and ran away.

okay, so recently posts have been either non-existant or reposting some of the exceptional quality writing that comes via myspace.
This is one of those latter occasions.
It is from Daniel.
I like his suave informality, highlighted by me, not Daniel, but he seems casual enough to not worry about being puritanically faithful to the original text.
I would also like to point out that my myspace picture is of a pair of feet, so I am not sure how he knew I was smiling. Gentlemans intuition?
In case I dont get time to follow it up, I guess he wont mind his email being posted here for other 'laydeez' to get in contact with him.

Over to you Daniel:

Hi babe
Now, I know we have not gotten to really know each other at all and there is a little bit of an age difference between us, but I do really like you. You are a very special lady. There is so much about you I see that I know most guys don't see. They are all looking at you for your body. But Honey, I am telling you, that is not what I am doing. There is so much more to you than that. I have liked you for a very first time i set my eyes on your picture but just never had the guts to say it to you. Well, that has all changed now. I am going all out and I am going to say it all. I really care a lot about you, and I would like to be a lot more then just friends. You mean so much to me. I mean, just seeing your cute little smile on your picture when I am having a bad day just makes the day seem not too dim. Or just to have you say hi to me makes me all warm and tingly inside. Just to see your smiling face brightens my darkest day. So, Hon, what do you say, would you like to give it a go? You could reply me via my email address lokomotive_2007@yahoo.com or add me to your messenger so that we get to chat live and get to know one another better.
Looking forward to hear from you
Daniel

mental age of 14

In case anyone doesnt know how much fun it is to teach teenagers, we did one of those "write a line, fold it over, write the next line" story activities.
The title was " As different as chalk and cheese" and prompts were
" who was the woman"
"who was the man"
"where did they meet"
What did they talk about?
What did he like about her? she about him?

This is how it ended up

" The woman was my teacher of Ukrainian literature. The man was a cheerful, reckless doctor from Canada. They met on the internet. The talked about religion and subcultures.
He liked her manners and her job.
She liked his childish character and talent for making gold from shit"

Who wouldn't fall for that?!

This is as close as I am ever going to get to being a cast member on a Seth Green film.

Viva la poolhouse!

spell checker and the modern man

Brash, pro-active and liberated from the confines of punctuation... or perhaps reeling from a plastic bag + spray adhesive, Myspace has delivered me another fabulous fan.

"hiiiiii baby yopu are very beatıfulllllll DO YOU BECOME MY FRIEND you very sweety.I WANT TO RECOGNIZE THE LIFE WITH YOU I FOUND WATER IN THE DESERT THINK, HOW MUCH, LOVE,....YOU, RECOGNIZE, HONOUR, BECOME,GIVE ME THIS HONOUR DO YOU WRITE ME .... YOU VERY SEXSİ TAHANK YOU......."

Special attention to the phrases "recognise this life" and " water in the desert think". His words are his gift, and since I forgot your birthday I will pass them on to you.

TAHANK YOU

SEXSI

DESERT THINK

my space

This one is for all the 'haters' who said myspace is really dumb and a waste of time and crawling with wierdos.
It is a letter from Nicky.

"HELLO ITS ME NIKY AM JUST SARECHING BY SO I FIND YOU ACTUALLY I WAS REALY TRYING TO GET SOMEONE THAT CAN LOVE FOR WHO I AM

SO I AHD A FEELING FOR YOU AND I BEILEVE YOUNTHE RIGHTFULL PERSON FOR ME

Bryunhilda.

your;s Niky

truely cares. if you wish to me you can kindly come to my massenger

i will bw epecting you there bye.

and am online now "

She just wants to be who she is, dammit. Even though the profile gives no clue as to what that might be, can't we all love her just the same?

hand of god

That was the name of a rolled up newspaper we used to hit my friend's vile dog davey on the bum when he bit one of our visitors.
I recently saw it written on a tshirt.

Yet another great thing about summer is that it gives t shirt manufacturers a chance to put a banana skin under the language of international capitalism and reduce English to something either comically off beat or completely irrelevant as a communicative tool.

A young lad on the metro had his back to me, presenting the message "Three cardinal factors are important in pathogenesis of migraine recording"

Bam!

This kind of pre-empts my next creative project. After the phenomenal "legend in my lunchbox" success of both the wacky-doo and wig mirrors ( collaborative projects with Ned) it is time to move into the tshirt industry. Inspired by the big bully bullshit that has been almost killing Maire for the last few months, the speciality will be corporate-speak.

"Dedicated to utilizing functionality" and "synergize visionary deliverables"
Impactful? Results-driven? Definitely next generation.

grey turns green

Everything about this town has changed. the weather has gone from foul tempered hermit to costa rica showgirl in record time.
girls wear sun frocks. the streets are full and some kind of familiar cultural life seems to emerged.
As the creator of the zero-selling sensation "the wacky doo" i pretty had Kyiv pegged as the blue one. the facial expression that said "oh yeah, okay"
but it seems the city crest is changing.
the dour old dame has become a spritely young spunk and I hear tweety tweety birds again instead of crows.
what the guide book said would happen, has become a truism.
to the sun! to the flowers! to that semi-risky swim in the dniepr!

A short course on how to feel

My friend N recently introduced me to a hot topic at the moment in Japan:"hado"- which is about vibration patterns, in nature and in words, and particularly the effect words can have on vibrational patterns and manifestation, tested on water.

Talks of good vibes usually come from people who I get bad vibes from, but hado was also attracting interest from the scientific community, who in general are also vibe- allergic.

Dr Emoto encouraged people to do the hado test: putting two identical jars of water (or jars of cooked rice) on a bench for some time. To one you repeatedly scold with "You fool!" and the other a kindly "thankyou".
Fool water/rice aparently goes foul, thankyou water/rice goes nice, and the shape of water molecules was affected by the way it was spoken to.

This all of course was presented in a less direct way in Tarkovsky's Solaris , and his comment about behaving in a correct way toward all aspects of the universe at all times.

Which brings me to the next, and only ever discussion point: Ukraine.

A couple of weekends ago my friend B invited me to his home-town, or home village which lies on the river Ros, to be experienced with the instructions "just feel". I don't know if residents of Rokytna are much into hado, but a trip to the village always allows a different experience of how being alive feels.

One overriding sense when you visit someone else's family is usually a kind of social discomfort that blocks receptors accessing deeper experience of the good stuff. But if you concentrate, it can be put aside.

And so I felt those things that are not classes as emotions in themselves, but carry in their own molecular structure feelings that are clear in definition, if not in words, all somehow akin to when you are going through the shed and you put on your grandpa's coat.

Here are a few of them:

- a train stuffed with grandma's, leather driving caps, brass bands and gardening glove vendors.
-Each hand filled with something to eat ( "Chew! Chew! So they know you are enjoying it")
- a change in the air when a cautious dog begins to trust you
-Sunday afternoon when the sun makes you squint
-The dialog of a family gathering.
-Time as a slow deep breath
-the sight of Johnny hashing over the scents and space and forest runs in dreams that lasted the whole trip home

Hado is vibration. It is invisible, but if we tune into it we can feel it.

"We must pay respect to water, and feel love and gratitude, and receive vibrations with a positive attitude. Then, water changes, you change, and I change. Because both you and I are water" ~ Dr. Masaru Emoto

international womens day

i don't think i ever said "i wonder what it would feel like to be in a city where one day every single woman there received flowers except me" but in case i accidentally thought it, well, now i bloody know.

to cover my sense of rejection from society i am gonna turn up my nose and say i liked the melbourne uni womens day better: chicks all went to the pub, drank some beer and some lezzo a capella band sang a couple of songs.

nostalgia for an evening that involved lezzo a capella....

now that is a tough call.

space ocean

In the incarnation of a dvd viewer I was recently rocketed into space to take up residence in a 1970's Russian space station.

SOLARIS.
Tarkovsky.
Outer Space ocean.

Space ocean presents people with the repercussions of their actions not in a*punch* "that'll get ya for what you did to my uncle" way, but in full examine of conscience past and present, and being constantly confronted with conscience and trying to find the right way to be, which doesn't necessarily lead to undoing any bad, any sure feeling you are now doing better, or any reward at all. But you wont be able to live with yourself if you don't do.

Space ocean keeps raising ideas and questions you can entertain yourself with forever and never come any closer to an answer.

Even Tarkovsky's enemies must've bitten their knuckles.

On the back of a pirated dvd of a Tarkovsky collection at Petrivka market he was quoted as saying something like that he wanted this film to give the message that we had to be careful and act in good faith toward all things at all times.

Was space ocean a god? A brain? Or just something that sent out mess-with-your head energy by chance when scientists zapped it with x-rays?

I am only surprised it doesn't have a title as its own specific school of philosophy.

The type in which none of the adherents claim to have any better of an idea of what it is.

The type in which all of the adherents wear a special pendant.

a victim of crime

although i put on a bold font i sit before you as a victim of crime.

but not murder, or this would be a ghost blog.

somebody tried to loosen my attachment to the material world, but not of the possessions that i didnt want anyway.

unfortunately it wasn't confidence tricksters or a shyster in that coin under the walnut shell game, but a comparatively boring burg. But not that boring. The configuration they made with the possessions i didn't want anyway looked pretty jazzy.

cops even came. one did the dust for fingerprints thing. when i saw that everyone except me was allowed to go through the crap that remained it made me really pleased that i wasn't the owner of any kind of self stimulating equipment or substances.

the final verdict was that the thieves "knew what they were looking for".

but even when i am not sure what i am looking for I don't throw absolutely everything in the flat in the middle of the floor. and anyway, what they were looking for was all on one desk, so the cupboards didnt even need to be opened.

that was what criminals probably refer to as a 'superfluous gesture'.

just in case they decide to return to the scene of the crime i have decided to spare them thier energy by not cleaning up, then if they forgot anything last time they will know exactly where it is, and cause no further disturbance.

unfortunately, attempts not to disturb the evidence have meant the dog and i are only free to move in about a one by one and a half metre area of living room, which may not be viable in the long term.

please, if you are out there dear junkies from the 9th floor of my building who hang out on the stairs and apparently monitored my movements, if there is anything you put down for a second and kicked yourself about afterwards, stick a little post it note on the door. i am sure we can come to an agreement.

gone all skypey

My dad wanted to do something spectacular for me and my brother when we were in Prague.
He had the idea of using these modern times better, so that we didnt have to get a phone card and run to a functioning phone booth to get 2 minutes talk time for 10 bucks just to stay in touch.

He is a modern man.

He decided, and he didnt care how much it cost, he was going to buy us a skype.
My mum pointed out that she thinks you can get it on the computer, and that she thinks it is free. "Well, you know what I mean Kate. Lets get them all on the skype."

Keen to share the technological wave my parents are surfing, I did get myself a skype.
Begin: skype mania.

Mum was right, it did come from the net.
You can download all sorts of stuff onto it, mp3s and all that, but you should be careful of viruses. Maybe run a virus scan. In case it has trojan horses on it.

I saved mine as a jpeg onto the hard drive, just to be sure. But actually the only way you can really be sure is to back it up. Or get one of those encryptions.

quirky?

That word got a lot of airtime in describing a glut of post Twin Peaks tv shows that threw unlikely dialogues into the usual soap mix , eg "I am wearing a cat on my head today, please don't bother me".
Luckily this was soon identified as contrived zany, and 'quirky' fell out of fashion again.

Not completely.

It resurfaces so often in written materials about Ukraine that it is odd to see a text without it.

It sure made me excited to move here. The idea of an (albeit impoverished) Wonka -land of amusing characters certainly holds a charm. My antennae were on the alert: for the first couple of months I acted like I was flicking through a giant Where's Wally book, trying to spot the oddity. Yeah, I spotted a few.

But there is of course something problematic about this approach, ie the danger of becoming one of those repugnant hostel types in expensive and incongruous climbing gear, for whom the world performs in anecdotes.

It is worth asking if a quirk highlights disfunction of the quirky or the the banality of the non quirky? Or the lack of 'human' at the core of an esteemed idea of rationality?

I don't want to be the straight man in all of this, but I want to be in all of this. At any rate, Ukraine doesn't hold exclusive rights on eccentricity, but it deserves a mention in the credits.

Who can really predict the weather? And what do we really need to know? Last week for three days running the weather report had the symbol of a question mark. As if the Bureau of Meteorology was sick of all the layman smart mouthing and acknowledged "Look, this week is anyones guess". The good news was that the forth and fifth days had a sun, so everything was going to be alright.

There have been two times where a pair of shoes with nobody in them, stand neatly on the median strip, as if someone was waiting for the traffic to clear and suddenly vanished. But if they had been spirited away, why had the shoes remained? why did the rest of their clothes go invisible but the shoes not? Had they been otherwise naked? Were there any witnesses? By the next day in both cases the shoes had disappeared. Perhaps there had been a time lag in teleportation, like in a long distance phone call, or that the shoes were too heavy and had to be sent in a different parcel.

As is the fashion in lots of places, a mobile operator has put cameras in various cities and you can go on the internet to look at the city square. It is not a live web cam kind of thing , but a series of photos of the town. Kind of. It is clear that he person who posts the photos has to amuse themselves somehow. Or express themselves artistically. At any rate, to communicate something to whoever is trying to get a feel for a city, and doesn't know any other way than to google.ua it. One city has two photos taken at different times of a rainy day. The camera had also been rained on, so it was difficult to see what city it was. But there is atmosphere. In another city a seagull had sat right next to the camera and adopted a number of poses. It looked like there was some kind of town behind the seagull, but lets say it isn't the star of the show.

with all the forethought that usually comes with hitting a key while someone yells "do it!" this blog has started.

i sure hope i am funny enough to live up to the exceptionally high standards the internet requires.

and i sure hope i dont get so carried away with this that i forget it is a public space and start telling all sorts of confessional things.

and i wonder if psychologists have to re-assess their categories of what constitutes narcissism these days when everyone thinks their casual thoughts are worthy of an audience outside of those in hearing range.

3 thoughts in the first post. that oughta hold ya